A Brief History of Mine

(or "So What's the Big Deal, Anyway?")

It's 2009, and gay marriage is lawful in two states [Connecticut and Massachusetts], and was legal in California for almost five months. Rosie O'Donnell had her own talk show, and now co-hosts The View; Ellen's show has entered into its sixth season, and Queer Eye even made a short stint on NBC--in prime time(!) Clearly mainstream society has taken noteworthy steps toward viewing the LGTB community as "normal", or at least toward tolerance and acceptance. So what's my hangup?

I was born into an agnostic, but socially conservative family sometime between the Village People's debut of "Y.M.C.A." and Cher's release of "If I Could Turn Back Time." My parents never explicitly expressed disapproval of homosexuality, but my father's occasional remakes about "queers" and "faggots" made his opinion on the matter clear enough. By the time I was around 8 or 9 years old, I was definitely aware of my same-sex attraction, but absolutely refused to label myself as "gay." I knew from the playground that that moniker carried the same pejorative weight as "four-eyes," "retard," and "trash-digger." During my tween years, I came out to myself, but didn't share my new identity with anyone else.

Early in high school, I made friends with some Christians who got me a Bible and assigned me various sections of the New Testament to read. (I'm can't remember what compelled me to follow their requests, but I surmise it was related to being a people pleaser: the more I read, the happier they seemed.) Eventually I joined a Bible study with some of these Christian friends, realized that I wanted to know and be loved by the same God who knew and loved them.

So at this point I was aware that: a) I was a guy sexually attracted to other guys; b) I was about to become a disciple of the Christian faith; c) the God whom I would follow was not terribly keen on homosexuality. But my friends (not knowing about my same-sex attraction) had assured me repeatedly that above all, God was loving and forgiving. And dating and marriage (and sex) seemed as far in the future as the Battle of Bull Run from A.P. US History was in the past. To say that I was insensible to the complications of co-mingling the kingdoms of God and the kingdom of gay is an understatement on the order of magnitude of calling Clay Aiken "a little bit fem."

Future problems in my sex or spiritual lives--these things were not even blips on my gaydar. Indicative of the naive optimism that still mangles my planning, I figured this "difficulty" would work itself out. So when I prayed for "Jesus to come into my heart," I also confessed that I liked boys and had once received a (slighly disappointing) blow job from one, and considered the issue resolved.

Theology: I belong to a Reformed Evangelical church that holds to the inerrancy of the Bible. In other words, this is not church for amateurs. (I believe the expression in the South is "We do church right.") Mine is not the sort of faith that drags me to church on Easter and Christmas only--who would want to meet with the people he most loves to participate in one of the deepest experiences he knows (corporate worship) only biannually? No, I'm there Sundays, for mid-week Bible study, Friday nights to help with the youth group, all week during the summer for Vacation Bible School, going out for short term missions trips...This is hard core Christianity.

So God's injunction against homosexuality isn't ignored, taken lightly, or interpretted as "archaic" and culturally irrelevant in the 21st century. Scripture says it's a sin, and I take this literally. But while I didn't choose my homosexual thoughts or attractions, I can choose whether or not to indulge in a gay lifestyle. I can deny myself, take up my cross daily, and follow in obedience to Christ, or I can choose to ignore Him and do my own thing. Most days I walk along the former route; some days crawl; sometimes I have to be carried. I'd be lying, though, if I didn't acknowledge the myriad times I allowed that latter course to seduce me (more to come on that later).

Also to follow in future entries: details on my theological understanding of what it means to have same-sex attraction and follow Christ. But this is becoming less of a "brief history" by the word, so I'll conclude here.