It's been nearly a month since I first introduced myself to Jonathan, and ever since then I've been asking myself the question men have wondered since time immemorial: Is he, or isn't he gay?
For my convenience (and for the readers'), I have organized a list of clues about his sexuality. After studying the list, it became fairly clear that he isn't gay, but might still be bisexual. (This is why the columns are labeled "Signs Jonathan is Straight/Not Straight," instead of "Signs Jonathan is Gay/Not Gay."**)
Only adding to the confusion was a set of clues I couldn't categorize: Jonathan keeps inquiring about my dating status; he altered his name tag to read "Jon·I·Am" (imitating the rapper Will-I-Am), which he pointed out to me with special pride; he suggested coming over to my place to party; he made a sexual remark about a female at the gym, whom he later learned was only fourteen.
Blogosphere: please help me read the tea leaves.
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*Did you ever see the episode of Will and Grace episode in which they're attracted to the same guy, but can't tell whether he's gay or straight? They then consult Jack:
JACK: Ah, yes. Many have sought my counsel on this subject. They say, "Jack is a wise man. Jack is a dangerous man. Jack is a great man." No. Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men. Bring to me the facts.
WILL: Ok. In his bathroom, he had 3 magazines, and one of them was Martha Stewart's Living.
GRACE: He also had Basketball Digest.
JACK: Ahh! You both make compelling points, but I believe the truth is to be found in the third magazine...
WILL and GRACE [TOGETHER]: Vanity Fair.
JACK: ...unless it's Vanity Fair.
**Other titles under consideration included
• "Reasons to give up hope on Jonathan/Reasons to invite him to bed"
• "I may have to turn him/This may be easier than I think"
• "He's Straight/He's Str8."
†The "Lady" is, incidentally, headlining at this month's fabulously gay White Party in Palm Springs. For more information, go here or here.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Is he or isn't he, the age old question*
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Great Cloud
--Hebrews 12:1
In 1947, the great English poet W. H. Auden wrote a letter to his friend Ursula Niebuhr in which he confessed: “I don’t think I’m over-anxious about the future, though I do quail a bit before the possibility that it will be lonely. When I see you surrounded by family and its problems, I alternate between self-congratulation and bitter envy.” The root of Auden’s fear of loneliness and his envy of the comforts of family is not hard to uncover: Auden was a homosexual Christian. And this dual identity created a tension for him: As a Christian of a relatively traditional sort, he believed homosexuality missed the mark of God’s good design for human flourishing. But as a homosexually oriented person, despite his Christian beliefs, he craved intimacy and companionship with other men. Caught on the horns of a dilemma like that, what was he to do with his loneliness?
Four years before writing to Niebuhr, Auden corresponded with another friend, Elizabeth Mayer. He described to her how he felt inescapably “different” from others because of his preference for same-sex relations: “There are days when the knowledge that there will never be a place which I can call home, that there will never be a person with whom I shall be one flesh, seems more than I can bear.”The author goes on to explore his own desperate loneliness without a life partner, but also celebrates the platonic friendships that have pulled him through hard times. (Click here for the full article, which while not the best crafted piece of writing, is illuminating and honest. Helpful for anyone not familiar with the intersection of Christianity and homosexuality--and encouraging for those who are.)
"The article helped me understand the importance of supporting you in your journey," my friend wrote. "I hope I can walk alongside you and be the kind of friend described here." His email provided one of those rare opportunities to experience the "great cloud" of the faithful who encourage me to fix my eyes on Jesus.
If such exhortation were the sole influence on my thinking, my bifurcated life, though not simple, would certainly be simpler. But with secular friends like Aurora and Nadia, who are just as happy to incline me in the opposite direction, choices become obfuscated.
These two competing great clouds of witnesses are certainly clouding the issue.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
That's What She Said
I spent the night with Aurora and Nadia, who might soon qualify as my unofficial fag hags. Sitting around their kitchen table for story-swapping and group therapy, I felt a little bit like a 2009 version of the Golden Girls, if the Girls were all in their 20s, rented rather than owned, and if one of them were a queer male instead of a post-menopausal woman. (One more difference of note: we nibbled on calorically-more-acceptable gummy worms, rather than gorging ourselves on cheesecake.)
Dissecting a yellow and green gelatious specimen, I relayed some of the highlights of a recent weekend church retreat. Under the halogen lighting, the sugar-coated worm shone like it were covered in Swarovski crystals.
"You know what you should do," Aurora broke in. "You need to divide your life equitably." She lowered her chin, and looked up at me as though this pronouncement were an Idiot's Guide to Being Christian and Gay, complete with detailed, step-by-step instructions on how I should carry out the next two months.
I was unable to interpret the oracle. "What does that mean?"
"So, you went on a church retreat for the weekend, and gave two and half days to God? Well, then you need to go on a gay retreat and give two and half days to men. You can't live with imbalance." Apparently very satisfied with this advice, she treated herself to a red and blue worm. "When do you want to go gay clubbing? Nadia and I will take you."
I'm not sure that this is the best suggestion for my situation, but it is what she said.